I’ve left the fourth city on my travel leg this month. I love the city of Chicago during the summer. I have so many great memories of being in Chicago in the summer. There seems to be a “seize the summer” spirit of Chicago that is infectious. Everyone maximizes their moments to go out and play in the city – perhaps because half the year is socked in with snow. There’s something magnetic about this city that fuels me when I’m here. But being here has also made me very nostalgic about the beginning.

Last night I was catching up with a friend. He’s an incredibly talented photographer with a wisdom and vision beyond his years. I find myself becoming more inspired by his dreams and perspectives the more we chat. I’m inspired enough to want to help him with a co-writing project/idea that he has. His vision is a really great idea.

I’m thankful for the opportunity to know and learn from this person, however long this person is a part of my life. Last night, this friend shared some pretty powerful thoughts with me that I find even more poignant now as I re-read our conversation during a moment of vulnerability today.

“…It seems to me thus far in life…. Every time I can think of in my past that was seemingly horrible at the time, has in the long run freed me up for something that was clearly better than what I had before. I never would’ve been able to enjoy the better things without getting violently shoved out of what I thought was the best thing…”

I know people say to trust and have faith and believe things happen for a certain reason. However, hearing this and knowing someone who has lived their version of this is different.

“….it is a long time and I’m sorry. I know it’s super shitty, and I can’t actually imagine how shitty it must feel. But I can tell you that you are now freed up for something much much better…Time means nothing if you’re not doing something with it.” 

I want to believe these words. I want to feel these words. I want these words to be my truth. I’m going to encounter what may be one of the toughest weekends of my life thus far. It may be a weekend that starts to unveil and force me to see this truth and the reality that I will have to accept.

There may not ever be clarity.

There may not ever be answers.

There may only be what it is no matter how much I wish it could be better.

And I may have to swim through a sea of tears to find my own closure.

My daily devotion reminded me to be thankful today. From the beginning to the end of this month, this may be one of the most painful months of loss in my life. But I have to be thankful for this. This time and season has been filled with inward reflection. And my time has been filled with the desire to learn about my faults, my faith and future self that will grow from this season. This blog, my travels, my sessions, my time spent with friends…you’ve all helped make this time valuable. And I am grateful. I’m grateful to you all. But the words above are stirring within me making my heart feel weak and vulnerable more so than ever before.

And for whatever reason that we must face this, I only want the best for all of us in the end. Perhaps I must hear the words above now in order to prepare us for what may lie ahead. For whatever I cannot believe or see today, the seeds of hope must be planted in my head now so that one day, when the clarity blooms I will have the wisdom to know it and recognize it.

As I land in NYC, I feel like I am on a journey through the chapters. Rereading the old stories, reliving the memories and sensations and revealing a new perspective that I will have to come to understand one day.

As I see the city in the distance, I am reminded of the quote:

“Pain is the blessing that nobody wants.”